Relationships

I really hit it off with a new male co-worker a few months back but he’s been giving me mixed signals. We started hanging out a few times every week to cook dinner at my place and became very intimate (no sex though). We spend a lot of quality time together and he even invited me to go car shopping with him but he never texts me on the weekend and sometimes acts fishy (like cancelling plans last minute without a good enough reason). He says he wants to go for spa weekends and take trips but we’re not officially dating. I am afraid to talk to him about this because I don’t want to look desperate or needy. But he’s so hot and cold I can’t take it anymore. What should I do? –Clueless

clueless

Dear Clueless,

Sometimes when we’re attracted to a person, and really want to develop a relationship with him/her, we lose all notion of objectivity. We’re riding on fantasy mode and need to come down to reality.

Think about it – if one of your girlfriends told you about a guy she’s not “officially dating,” but who comes to her place for dinner (though he never takes her to his place) and doesn’t send or reply to texts from on the weekends (where is he during this time?) and who wants to take her on trips (out of town, away from people who know him), what would you think?

That’s right – he’s probably married or living with someone! But before you accuse him of playing you (which he may deny anyway), why don’t you look for other tell-tale signs and do a bit of research to confirm your suspicions. When he’s with you, does he pay for purchases in cash (credit card payments leave a paper trail, right?)? If you call him unexpectedly at night, do you always get his voicemail, and he doesn’t respond until the next day at the office?

Online research can produce a lot of material about people. Why not begin by Googling him? Find out if he’s on dating sites like match.com or Tinder. Read his profiles to learn more about him. Social media is an excellent way to find out whether someone is married or single. Does he have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram accounts? Does he list himself as married or single? Does he have romantic pictures with someone, and, if so, are these pictures recent?

What’s also suspicious is if he has no social media accounts or that his accounts are bare – without his photo or any pictures of anyone, an indication that he is clearly concealing his identity. But why? In this case, he’s either a spy (unlikely) or he doesn’t want to be found out.

If your investigation reveals that your co-worker is already in a romantic relationship, and is then a ‘player,’ the way I see it, you have two options: either confront him with what you’ve discovered and expose his game (which could result in a very uncomfortable working environment for you) or you could simply reject his future advances, feeling proud that your Nancy Drew/Sherlock Holmes detective abilities have saved you from further emotional investment and inevitable heartache.

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