Dear Dr. Faizal,

I am a 29-year-old male and I have had sex before, but with my current girlfriend, I cannot seem to be able to do it. She is a virgin, and we have tried a few times but I can’t seem to be able to enter her. Could you please help us?

– I’m Sexy And I Know It

Dear I’m Sexy And I Know It,

From your question, it appears that you believe that your girlfriend, being a virgin, has something to do with you both not consummating your relationship sexually. I am presuming here that you are “unable to enter her” because your partner’s vagina is not expanding enough to allow your erect penis to begin intercourse.

Enjoying successful and mutually-gratifying intercourse requires a combination of many factors, including physiological arousal, mental awareness, emotional readiness, etc.. I’m wondering if your girlfriend may be anxious about having intercourse. Or perhaps she is not ready for such a big step in her life at the present time?

I would have a serious, honest, and nonjudgmental discussion with your partner to see how she really feels about making love. You must find out if she is ready to have sex with you – and for herself. If she shares that she would like to wait a while longer, you must respect her decision.

Feeling pressured into having intercourse is something which will make the experience unpleasant for both of you. If your partner sincerely wishes to have intercourse with you but is not lubricating adequately for introitus (penis entering vagina), you could try external lubricants like K-Y Jelly (found in every drugstore). Placing some K-Y around her vaginal opening (and a little inside, if possible) and then some on your penis may facilitate initial entry.

If, however, your partner’s vagina is closed shut and is ‘convulsing,’ so to speak, with attempted introitus, she may be experiencing a condition known as vaginismus. The psychological cause here stems from anxiety or fear of something (getting pregnant, premarital sex, sexually transmitted diseases, to list a few).

All is not lost, however. There are behavioral exercises to reduce and even eliminate these symptoms, but I recommend you first find a couple’s therapist to fully explore your partner’s potential unconscious resistances (and how these are also affecting you). You can help your girlfriend through your unconditional love and support – just be ‘there’ for her and for your relationship.

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